Almost every New Age publication includes information on books, tapes and workshops about forgiving others, but I've never seen a class on asking for forgiveness for oneself. An apology exercise designed to promote enlightenment, transformation and healing exists, but it's not a New Age exercise -- it's an age-old ritual.
At this time of year, during the Ten Days of Repentance, we are asked to approach people in our lives and ask for forgiveness. Even if we are unsure whether we have done anything offensive, we still ask -- in case any slights committed were unknown to the offender.
We can further make amends and vow never to repeat the offense. If we ask forgiveness three times and are refused, we are cleared, and the burden rests on the other. Such is the exquisite care embedded in the rituals to clear the slate between ourselves and our neighbors.
There is great wisdom and psychological soundness in this practice -- called kaparah, or atonement. By reconciling with each person individually, we prepare ourselves for Yom Kippur, when we ask for forgiveness collectively.
Atonement renews us and inscribes us in the Book of Life. This is true psychologically, as atonement liberates life energy -- promoting vitality and new vigor in relationships that may be deadlocked by anger, resentment and misunderstanding. Interpersonal cleansing actually enhances physical health, wellbeing and resilience.
Indeed, atonement can be excruciatingly difficult, for it is much harder to ask for forgiveness than to forgive. The idea of apologizing is often abhorrent, as if it were a sign of weakness and a violation at the core of one's being. Some would rather die than forgive.
One reason forgiveness is embraced more than apology has to do with our preoccupation with victimology. In forgiving, we get to be the good guys, identified with the victim position and holding the moral high ground. In asking for forgiveness, we are identified as the perpetrator, realizing that we hurt others. The humility that comes with reclaiming dark aspects of our personality can be confused with humiliation.
It is much easier to fast and sit in synagogue, beating our breasts while listing every imaginable and unimaginable sin we have committed, wittingly and unwittingly. It is easier to say "we" have sinned than it is to say "I" caused you pain. It is easier to ask "our Father, our King" to forgive us than it is to ask our actual fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers, spouses and ex-spouses, children, friends and colleagues to forgive us for the specific sins that we have committed against them.
All of our actions and thoughts have real effects in the world. They generate patterns that constitute each person's life and have consequences for others, rippling out to the collective. Whether or not an individual believes in reincarnation or the world to come, we all have the ability, in this life on Earth, to become conscious of our patterns and impact on others.
Although popular culture promotes forgiveness as the royal road to enlightenment, transformation and healing, the act of atoning is on a much higher psychological and moral plane.
There is value in true forgiveness, but it is often trivialized, misunderstood and misapplied in ways that can be harmful. Authentic forgiveness is a profound organic process that may include anger, understanding, empathy and a natural release when the arduous psychological work is complete. It cannot be forced or achieved by a deliberate act of will without some form of protest from the depths of one's soul.